if the world was ending you come over, right? vendrias verdad?
Saturday, May 16, 2020
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
Sandman
There was a veil between the v.i.p section and the rest of the club. But even then I could see those big black eyes, pale and almost translucent skin. The moment he turned his head and looked right to my eyes, I felt naked, so open, so alive. All my secrets were his and in that precisely moment my phone ringed with it the spell broke, I turned my back to the bar and checked the phone, the missed call was the past reminding me I had nothing left to be loved for. Right there the music changed into an sensual rhythm and a unspiritual melody, I knew was time to ask my two tequila shots and hit the floor on my own.
The circle of people amused by me in the middle of the dance floor, didn't know I was crying all along and feeding with their energy, by the time I was done absorbing and on the verge of a scream, someone took my hand and danced along. It was him. The mythical creature. He only, saw my tears and wiped it all in just seven seconds of dancing. So flawless we looked, so synchronized, like we had our entire life prepared for that moment. At the cusp of the endless ovations, motivated a smile and a wake up call. He then said his name which now I can no longer recall, the last thing I remember is taking a cab back to my place, alone, feeding my Siamese cat Isis, and crawling myself on my bed to sleep.
Next morning like no other I go to this overrated coffee shop, the one with the green mermaid princess or whatever, but is so crowded, with my head still spinning I decided to turn around and keep on walking, not far from there I found this cute french like coffee shop slash bakery, pastels colors and gold,so, so adorable and comfortable. I was happy i've just found my new favorite spot.
Got inside and this beautiful red haired perky girl with her astonishing freckles and hazel eyes came to greet me at the door, I was so amused by the hospitality and the kindness this place expelled, I smiled genuinely for the first time in so long. There was this OST songs making me dance around shyly, plus, everywhere I looked was just a piece of homemade art, if my mom was alive this probably would be our place. She would have loved it.
I finally decided what to eat, sat down and told amy all the things I wanted, yeah that's her name, the beautiful red's name is amy.Between croissants filled with wonders, macaroons, cakes, biscuits, so on and a lovely jasmine tea cup, it was heaven. At the end of my first croissant, the door bell made a sound, Red approached to it and said her greetings, I felt this strange wave of feelings that made me nauseous, scared, happy, a whole cocktail of emotions, I thought it was the sugar highpeek so I took a sip of my tea and started to feel better, but then this voice, greeting amy back, was so delicious so sublime and ridiculously recognizable.
Amy came to me and told me how sorry she was no more empty seats, I totally understood and told her not to worry I wouldn't mind some company.
I am very glad you don't mind miss -As he sat down-
My spasticity couldn't be hide. He just grin, the most irresistible grin I've ever seen.
YOU!- my four years in Harvard psychiatry school program gave me the tools to speak such an eloquent and classy quote.-
Yeah... I'm often referred to as Killian.-He said, as he quietly laughed-.
I was so glad he said his name, I wouldn't like to pretend I do remember it.
Killian: Amy, the usual. Oh wait, add a couple of éclairs, I'm feeling struck by luck.
Amy: Haha, absolutely, monsieur.
So she's a red haired called amy with an scottish accent speaking in french, why do I feel like a blue box is missing.
Killian: So, are you going to tell me your name?
Sara: I am Sara. I see you're a frequent here, how is it that I've never seen you around?
Killian: Well, miss Sara, to this part of the city I just come for this specific pastry shop.-But, I definitely see me coming to something else-
Right after he said that, I felt a chill down my spine, and suddenly I was bambi about to be eaten.
And I had absolutely no desire to let it be otherwise.
The circle of people amused by me in the middle of the dance floor, didn't know I was crying all along and feeding with their energy, by the time I was done absorbing and on the verge of a scream, someone took my hand and danced along. It was him. The mythical creature. He only, saw my tears and wiped it all in just seven seconds of dancing. So flawless we looked, so synchronized, like we had our entire life prepared for that moment. At the cusp of the endless ovations, motivated a smile and a wake up call. He then said his name which now I can no longer recall, the last thing I remember is taking a cab back to my place, alone, feeding my Siamese cat Isis, and crawling myself on my bed to sleep.
Next morning like no other I go to this overrated coffee shop, the one with the green mermaid princess or whatever, but is so crowded, with my head still spinning I decided to turn around and keep on walking, not far from there I found this cute french like coffee shop slash bakery, pastels colors and gold,so, so adorable and comfortable. I was happy i've just found my new favorite spot.
Got inside and this beautiful red haired perky girl with her astonishing freckles and hazel eyes came to greet me at the door, I was so amused by the hospitality and the kindness this place expelled, I smiled genuinely for the first time in so long. There was this OST songs making me dance around shyly, plus, everywhere I looked was just a piece of homemade art, if my mom was alive this probably would be our place. She would have loved it.
I finally decided what to eat, sat down and told amy all the things I wanted, yeah that's her name, the beautiful red's name is amy.Between croissants filled with wonders, macaroons, cakes, biscuits, so on and a lovely jasmine tea cup, it was heaven. At the end of my first croissant, the door bell made a sound, Red approached to it and said her greetings, I felt this strange wave of feelings that made me nauseous, scared, happy, a whole cocktail of emotions, I thought it was the sugar highpeek so I took a sip of my tea and started to feel better, but then this voice, greeting amy back, was so delicious so sublime and ridiculously recognizable.
Amy came to me and told me how sorry she was no more empty seats, I totally understood and told her not to worry I wouldn't mind some company.
I am very glad you don't mind miss -As he sat down-
My spasticity couldn't be hide. He just grin, the most irresistible grin I've ever seen.
YOU!- my four years in Harvard psychiatry school program gave me the tools to speak such an eloquent and classy quote.-
Yeah... I'm often referred to as Killian.-He said, as he quietly laughed-.
I was so glad he said his name, I wouldn't like to pretend I do remember it.
Killian: Amy, the usual. Oh wait, add a couple of éclairs, I'm feeling struck by luck.
Amy: Haha, absolutely, monsieur.
So she's a red haired called amy with an scottish accent speaking in french, why do I feel like a blue box is missing.
Killian: So, are you going to tell me your name?
Sara: I am Sara. I see you're a frequent here, how is it that I've never seen you around?
Killian: Well, miss Sara, to this part of the city I just come for this specific pastry shop.-But, I definitely see me coming to something else-
Right after he said that, I felt a chill down my spine, and suddenly I was bambi about to be eaten.
And I had absolutely no desire to let it be otherwise.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
The Bucket List: The Path to no Regrets
Experience is one thing you cant get for nothing- Oscar Wilde
Many of you have seen, heard or spoke about that list you definitely have make true before you die.
The thing is..."No one" knows when is going to die. So I started this new project showing people my joy after making them true. Because I certainly believe you measure yourself by the people who measure themselves by you, I'll give it a try and who knows...maybe I get to push you to do it for yourself.
What's a bucket list and How to create one?
Simply, It is a list of life experiences, dreams and goals you desire to achieve before you die.
You create them daily, through out the day "Today I will sleep early" "I am going to study today so tomorrow I can chill" "I will stop screwing with the guy from the library..by the end of this month".
The truth is if you can't figure out those plans your life is probably passing you by.
So, the point of this bucket list is extrapolate those daily goals and make them bigger, just for the JOY of your soul. Have you found joy in your life? Has your life brought joy to others? There is not righter time than the Now, that sounded so Dr. seuss, Hahahah.
In order to help you visualize the magnitude your goal should have or the depth of them, the impact in your life, I recommend you this movie with the Duh name "THE BUCKET LIST" with Sir Morgan Freeman and Mr. Jack Nicholson.
-What have you always wanted to do but have not done yet?- Any countries, places or locations you want to visit?-What/who do you want to see or meet in person?- What experiences do you want to have/feel? -Any skills or anything you want to learn or try out?- What would you like to say/do together with other people?
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Many of you have seen, heard or spoke about that list you definitely have make true before you die.
The thing is..."No one" knows when is going to die. So I started this new project showing people my joy after making them true. Because I certainly believe you measure yourself by the people who measure themselves by you, I'll give it a try and who knows...maybe I get to push you to do it for yourself.
What's a bucket list and How to create one?
Simply, It is a list of life experiences, dreams and goals you desire to achieve before you die.
You create them daily, through out the day "Today I will sleep early" "I am going to study today so tomorrow I can chill" "I will stop screwing with the guy from the library..by the end of this month".
The truth is if you can't figure out those plans your life is probably passing you by.
So, the point of this bucket list is extrapolate those daily goals and make them bigger, just for the JOY of your soul. Have you found joy in your life? Has your life brought joy to others? There is not righter time than the Now, that sounded so Dr. seuss, Hahahah.
In order to help you visualize the magnitude your goal should have or the depth of them, the impact in your life, I recommend you this movie with the Duh name "THE BUCKET LIST" with Sir Morgan Freeman and Mr. Jack Nicholson.
Trailer for you <3
Take this as reference too:
-What have you always wanted to do but have not done yet?- Any countries, places or locations you want to visit?-What/who do you want to see or meet in person?- What experiences do you want to have/feel? -Any skills or anything you want to learn or try out?- What would you like to say/do together with other people?
THIS NOW IS MY BUCKET LIST
(Note: I will place a picture/video if is accomplished)
1. TRAVEL AROUND THE WORLD (Incomplete)
Toledo, Spain ( 2007)
Venecia, Italy. (That's my dad, circa 2007)
2.HAVE A PICTURE WITH SOMEONE WORLDWIDE FAMOUS
3.SKYDIVE
4.MEET MY LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP BOYFRIEND
5. BE AT COMIC CON
6. LEARN ANOTHER LANGUAGES BESIDES SPANISH (Incomplete)
English
7. LEARN MARTIAL ARTS (Incomplete)
(judo, don't own this picture for some reason I never took one, oh yeah.. I was training instead.)
8.LEARN HOW TO SKATE
9. GO SKIING
10. GIVE A HEARTFELT GIFT TO SOMEONE
11. MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN SOMEONE'S LIFE
12.FIND MY REAL PASSION
13. BE EXTRA IN A MOVIE
14. BE THE LEAD IN A TRENDING MOVIE
15. START MY BUSINESS
16. SING TO AN AUDIENCE
17.DO VOLUNTEER WORK
18. GET A DRINK FOR A STRANGER
19. BEFRIEND A STRANGER
20. DANCE BAREFOOT IN THE RAIN
21. A KISS IN THE RAIN THAT MATTERS
22. SEE THE NORTHERN LIGHTS
23. GO CAMPING
24. GIVE SOMEONE I LOVE, A STAR
25. HAVE A TEA PARTY
26. PUBLISH A BOOK
27.THROW A MEGA PARTY
28. GET WHITE HAIR
29. GET WILD COLOR HAIR
28. GET WHITE HAIR
29. GET WILD COLOR HAIR
30.BECOME A DOCTOR IN MEDICINE
31. WALK THE RED CARPET
32. HAVE A REALLY CLOSE FRIENDSHIP WITH A FAMOUS KOREAN ACTOR OR SINGER
33. PLAY AN INSTRUMENT
34. TAKE DANCE CLASSES (incomplete)
35. GO ON A ROAD TRIP
(Constanza, 2016)
(Constanza, 2016)
36. EXPERIENCE TOMORROWLAND
37. BE PART OF A GREAT CAUSE
38. LIVE IN A DIFFERENT COUNTRY AT LEAST FOR 6 MONTHS
39. GET FEATURED IN MEDIA FOR SOMETHING YOU ARE PROUD OF
40. CREATE A DREAM HOME
41. HAVE A DREAM WEDDING
42. LIVE THROUGH 4 SEASONS OF THE YEAR
43.GO ON MEDITATION RETREAT
44.VISIT KOREA/ JAPAN WITH FRIENDS
45. MAKE A TIME BOX WITH SOMEONE
46. PICNIC DAY
47.FLY A HELICOPTER
48. GO ON A ROMANTIC GETAWAY
49. LEARN SIGN LANGUAGE
50. COSPLAY LIKE JESSICA NIGRI
51. GAIN ENLIGHTENMENT
52. ADOPT AN ANIMAL
53. EXPEND MONEY ON LOUBOUTIN PAIR OF SHOES WITH RED SOLE
54. BE HYPE ON LOOKBOOK.NU
55. HAVE A ROCK BAND
56. MAKE THE CUTEST BABY ON EARTH
57.BREAK THE LAW
58. HAVE AN AMAZING WARDROBE
59.LEARN HOW TO BARTEND
60. RIDE THE LONDON EYE
61.GIVE PEOPLE A GOOD REASON TO KNOW MY NAME
62. GET A TATTOO
63. KISS AND HUG A DOLPHIN
64. MEET FRIENDS FROM OTHER COUNTRIES
65. VISIT SLOVENIA WITH MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER
66. TAKE A PICTURE OF MY AURA
(2014, ADASEC)
67. GO TO BRITNEY SPEARS CONCERT
68.Cook big meal for more than 2 people
69. Bdsm
Sunday, October 19, 2014
This is the story about how the universe prepared me to lose her.
Since I can remember, I heard my mom saying how difficult her life was without her mother, how much she had to suffer because of it and how every Christmas she cried. Maybe I was too young or maybe the universe didn't allow me to empathize with those feelings, to me it was and still is a waste of time, mourning about things that can't be changed. I'm not saying is wrong, but spend and base your life on that unavoidable moment is absolutely ridiculous, her pain wasn't though.
I've always been an independent person mentally and emotionally, if I can do it alone, I will. My mom was all the way around, she was too co-dependent of everyone else's emotions, thoughts and actions, maybe that's one of the reason we didn't get along that much.
As she was a toxic person to my integrity as a human being, she was too the most devoted mother anyone could have ever asked for. No one, and believe me when I say NO ONE, could or would put a hand or a bad word on me and lived to tell, because she became Athenea when it comes to me.
Time passed I was more eager to leave the house and live on my own, but I was counting I could come back home, and maybe because the distance, my mother and I would be finally best friends.
I am a human being that understand within me that everything in this world, has a balance, a cycle an end and a reason. That's one of the reason I found people who taught me how the universe, the energy and us work together, and how being an ovum, a sperm, a baby then a kid, later a teenager, an adult, an elder and then death are just cherries of the same salad. Was amazing how those explanation made me feel more complete than ever. I managed to avoid unnecessary burden to my life, if something bothers me, talk it out, or walk away. If I don't feel like going to meet someone I just don't go, and so on. I tried teaching that life style to a person who worried about every little thing, someone who was a prisoner of "what the others would say" and some other social atrocities.
And so far there's nothing I regret more, than failing to change her, I wanted her free, I wanted her happy, I wanted her to feel plenty.
My mom silently taught me a lot of things, and tried to teach me some others. One of the things she tried me doing is the importance of giving someone a gift. To me is still a matter of the heart and not because some one is waiting for it, it was like that even for her. As she pushed me to give gifts away the more my self refused, when she finally stopped, I started making gestures to her. One time I bought her a pretty black shoes that now I own, yes for those who didn't know, we could use each other's clothes or at least some of them, all of the shoes and jewelry.
I'm grateful that I voluntarily took my mom out to eat sushi, on the night would be her last birthday.
I dressed up pretty, because she always wanted me to look like a doll, I drove her to the place, I toke her order, we ate, we talked, she managed to make me feel awful in front of the owner of the place which happens to be an acquaintance of mine, but that was her... I would never be an adult to her. But that's fine, I made my part, and tried to make her happy, I really wanted.
She hated be taken pictures, but that night I took a couple, and started to take pictures of her, and with her, just because, I didn't had enough pictures with her. And now that's all I have left.
Most people don't know this, but I knew I was going to lose her while I was young, since the first time she told me, she lost her mother while being a teen something made click inside of me. For some reason I thought would be on my 17th birthday, why 17 you ask? I don't know, it just kept poping in my head, but I was wrong. So I kinda believed everything else was my mind overreacting.
A young person who managed to live inside her room with very few necessities, came out to full fill those, I found myself running to her room to hug her and stay at least 5 min under her body while she was watching tv, was so rare, she asked me if everything was ok, but I couldn't just say I needed to hug her, because I simply missed her.
June 5th, was an ordinary day, I was home doing my thing on the internet, chatting with my boyfriend, and my friends,I get a call from a friend asking me to go out, but besides my laziness something else made me say no, several times. My parents arrived home, mom was getting ready to sleep when some squeezing pain on her chest attacked her, she was pale, cold, dizzy and lightheaded. As medicine student She asked me to get my sphygmomanometer which I did, but her pressure was normal. She went to the bathroom, dad and I were getting ready to take her to the hospital, I found her losing consciousness while sitting on the toilet, there was no time for me to freak, I knew she was having a heart attack, I ran and looked for aspirin, I found the only white pills we had and smashed them, gave it to her under her tongue and dressed her to go.
As soon as we arrived the hospital, I could see how terrible the system is and the lack of humanity in my future colleagues, she wasn't taken seriously until my uncle who happens to be a doctor arrived, and speed them up.
Mom was treated, watched over, and went back home, as a new person. The situation scared the shit out of her. But that was just the beginning.
The next 3 months would change our lives. Her heart needed a bypass, which means take an artery from a leg or so and make a bridge with it in her heart, surgery date was august 5th, she had to eat healthy, she did, I was surprised. But after a week or so we ran to the situation where her pleural space started to storage liquids, pleural effusion, had to get inside intensive care once more and longer, she spent approximately 18 days, her family from all over the country came to see her, everyone was rooting for her health, I was giving up.
I became my mom's personal taxi, I started to behave like an adult, making appointments taking her to them, all she ever did for me while growing up, I did it during those 3 months. I showered her, i cleaned her, I feed her and so on. The universe let me pay some of my debts to her.
After those 18 days, she came back home, the doctors said was mom's fault all of that was happening to her because she wasn't doing enough the breathing exercise, but they were wrong. The truth is her heart never started as it should have to compensate the other organism functions. And thanks to that I blamed her, I hated her, because I saw how she was giving up on her life, how she was giving up on me.
The truth is she lasted longer because she fought, like a real warrior. (I'm sorry mother to take your credit away). She said how badly the nurses treated her, making her feel miserable, and I thought she was just being ultra sensitive like usually she was. I told her to not feel bad, because i thought they were treating her like that for her to gain strength and work harder to get out of intensive care, but I guess I was wrong again, and I failed to protect you.
A week later, after those 18 days, she went back to intensive care, was Friday, 12th, she woke up great, because finally she had a very good night sleep, but after a couple of hours, she started to feel bad again, and so we had to take her to the hospital, her lungs were getting filled up with liquids again. Had to stay in intensive care for second time. I had her breathing exercise device, so I ran inside the room to give it back in case she needed it, and ran out so i wouldn't get scolded by the hospital personal, I didn't know "Bye ma' " would be my last words to her and maybe she didn't even hear it. Since no one can stay with her inside that area, I left, went home with my cousin and aunt, to eat and rest, so we would come back at 5 pm for visit hour.
That day I ate, took a nap, woke up with a weird feeling, it was getting late for us to leave to the hospital, so I started to get my bed done, and while folding the sheets in my head I said "She can't die like this" and deeper inside me I heard "she should just stop suffering".
Driving to the hospital, normal, we've been in that trip for months, I left my aunt and cousin to walk to the intensive care hall while I was parking the car. I arrived, and as soon as I did, with my mind full of superfluous thoughts, another aunt hug me and says "She's gone" "your mom is gone".
The necessity of hugging was only hers, I was just waiting the laugh and the next part of the joke, when she says that was it, just a really bad joke. I did not cry, looked for my dad and went there. There was my mom's sister crying about her baby sister, broke my heart, and one of her favorite niece, and my dad all crying in a mourning sonata.
Tears slipped down my cheeks, and my nose started running, but I was numb. The next thing I know is people looking at me in pitty, my friends rushing to arrive and spend some time with me at the hospital before I left the city to bury my mom's flesh body. Oh and I went to pathology, I saw her laying there, with injured face, cold, and stiff. I shook her, I begged her to wake up, called her eomma, ma', mami, but there was no reply, it was true, she wasn't coming back, this wasn't a sick joke.
Next morning I woke up at Romana, where she was born, the place she loved like nowhere else, the place she was free to herself. The funeral wasn't something of my taste. Watching my mom laying in a white coffin while people started to sing and mumble christian jumbo, that I knew in my heart wasn't true, was deplorable., people hugging me, looking at me to see my reaction to see me crying and perhaps calculate how much I'm in pain for the amount of tears and cries I shout, people trying to convert me to their christian bullshit with the "If you want to see her again in heaven you have to accept Christ in your heart" all the time that happened was tactless and hurtful. That's when I realized, funerals are for the family not the deceased, is egoist, is stupid but comforting, not for me of course, remember I am a weird bug. Even tho was nice hearing people talking so good about my mom, it frustrated me, because some of them never called her, never took her out of her depression. So it really keeps me thinking people are good and great just after they are dead, same with paintings, same with singers.
Is been a month, and I have been eating the same, doing the same, and almost feeling the same. Except few times during the day I think of her, and her absence echoes in my soul. I never felt her lingering in here, so that actually comforts me, I know shes getting healed and treated well in this new phase of her self being. I just wonder If she still thinks of me.
I've always been an independent person mentally and emotionally, if I can do it alone, I will. My mom was all the way around, she was too co-dependent of everyone else's emotions, thoughts and actions, maybe that's one of the reason we didn't get along that much.
As she was a toxic person to my integrity as a human being, she was too the most devoted mother anyone could have ever asked for. No one, and believe me when I say NO ONE, could or would put a hand or a bad word on me and lived to tell, because she became Athenea when it comes to me.
Time passed I was more eager to leave the house and live on my own, but I was counting I could come back home, and maybe because the distance, my mother and I would be finally best friends.
I am a human being that understand within me that everything in this world, has a balance, a cycle an end and a reason. That's one of the reason I found people who taught me how the universe, the energy and us work together, and how being an ovum, a sperm, a baby then a kid, later a teenager, an adult, an elder and then death are just cherries of the same salad. Was amazing how those explanation made me feel more complete than ever. I managed to avoid unnecessary burden to my life, if something bothers me, talk it out, or walk away. If I don't feel like going to meet someone I just don't go, and so on. I tried teaching that life style to a person who worried about every little thing, someone who was a prisoner of "what the others would say" and some other social atrocities.
And so far there's nothing I regret more, than failing to change her, I wanted her free, I wanted her happy, I wanted her to feel plenty.
My mom silently taught me a lot of things, and tried to teach me some others. One of the things she tried me doing is the importance of giving someone a gift. To me is still a matter of the heart and not because some one is waiting for it, it was like that even for her. As she pushed me to give gifts away the more my self refused, when she finally stopped, I started making gestures to her. One time I bought her a pretty black shoes that now I own, yes for those who didn't know, we could use each other's clothes or at least some of them, all of the shoes and jewelry.
I'm grateful that I voluntarily took my mom out to eat sushi, on the night would be her last birthday.
I dressed up pretty, because she always wanted me to look like a doll, I drove her to the place, I toke her order, we ate, we talked, she managed to make me feel awful in front of the owner of the place which happens to be an acquaintance of mine, but that was her... I would never be an adult to her. But that's fine, I made my part, and tried to make her happy, I really wanted.
She hated be taken pictures, but that night I took a couple, and started to take pictures of her, and with her, just because, I didn't had enough pictures with her. And now that's all I have left.
Most people don't know this, but I knew I was going to lose her while I was young, since the first time she told me, she lost her mother while being a teen something made click inside of me. For some reason I thought would be on my 17th birthday, why 17 you ask? I don't know, it just kept poping in my head, but I was wrong. So I kinda believed everything else was my mind overreacting.
A young person who managed to live inside her room with very few necessities, came out to full fill those, I found myself running to her room to hug her and stay at least 5 min under her body while she was watching tv, was so rare, she asked me if everything was ok, but I couldn't just say I needed to hug her, because I simply missed her.
June 5th, was an ordinary day, I was home doing my thing on the internet, chatting with my boyfriend, and my friends,I get a call from a friend asking me to go out, but besides my laziness something else made me say no, several times. My parents arrived home, mom was getting ready to sleep when some squeezing pain on her chest attacked her, she was pale, cold, dizzy and lightheaded. As medicine student She asked me to get my sphygmomanometer which I did, but her pressure was normal. She went to the bathroom, dad and I were getting ready to take her to the hospital, I found her losing consciousness while sitting on the toilet, there was no time for me to freak, I knew she was having a heart attack, I ran and looked for aspirin, I found the only white pills we had and smashed them, gave it to her under her tongue and dressed her to go.
As soon as we arrived the hospital, I could see how terrible the system is and the lack of humanity in my future colleagues, she wasn't taken seriously until my uncle who happens to be a doctor arrived, and speed them up.
Mom was treated, watched over, and went back home, as a new person. The situation scared the shit out of her. But that was just the beginning.
The next 3 months would change our lives. Her heart needed a bypass, which means take an artery from a leg or so and make a bridge with it in her heart, surgery date was august 5th, she had to eat healthy, she did, I was surprised. But after a week or so we ran to the situation where her pleural space started to storage liquids, pleural effusion, had to get inside intensive care once more and longer, she spent approximately 18 days, her family from all over the country came to see her, everyone was rooting for her health, I was giving up.
I became my mom's personal taxi, I started to behave like an adult, making appointments taking her to them, all she ever did for me while growing up, I did it during those 3 months. I showered her, i cleaned her, I feed her and so on. The universe let me pay some of my debts to her.
After those 18 days, she came back home, the doctors said was mom's fault all of that was happening to her because she wasn't doing enough the breathing exercise, but they were wrong. The truth is her heart never started as it should have to compensate the other organism functions. And thanks to that I blamed her, I hated her, because I saw how she was giving up on her life, how she was giving up on me.
The truth is she lasted longer because she fought, like a real warrior. (I'm sorry mother to take your credit away). She said how badly the nurses treated her, making her feel miserable, and I thought she was just being ultra sensitive like usually she was. I told her to not feel bad, because i thought they were treating her like that for her to gain strength and work harder to get out of intensive care, but I guess I was wrong again, and I failed to protect you.
A week later, after those 18 days, she went back to intensive care, was Friday, 12th, she woke up great, because finally she had a very good night sleep, but after a couple of hours, she started to feel bad again, and so we had to take her to the hospital, her lungs were getting filled up with liquids again. Had to stay in intensive care for second time. I had her breathing exercise device, so I ran inside the room to give it back in case she needed it, and ran out so i wouldn't get scolded by the hospital personal, I didn't know "Bye ma' " would be my last words to her and maybe she didn't even hear it. Since no one can stay with her inside that area, I left, went home with my cousin and aunt, to eat and rest, so we would come back at 5 pm for visit hour.
That day I ate, took a nap, woke up with a weird feeling, it was getting late for us to leave to the hospital, so I started to get my bed done, and while folding the sheets in my head I said "She can't die like this" and deeper inside me I heard "she should just stop suffering".
Driving to the hospital, normal, we've been in that trip for months, I left my aunt and cousin to walk to the intensive care hall while I was parking the car. I arrived, and as soon as I did, with my mind full of superfluous thoughts, another aunt hug me and says "She's gone" "your mom is gone".
The necessity of hugging was only hers, I was just waiting the laugh and the next part of the joke, when she says that was it, just a really bad joke. I did not cry, looked for my dad and went there. There was my mom's sister crying about her baby sister, broke my heart, and one of her favorite niece, and my dad all crying in a mourning sonata.
Tears slipped down my cheeks, and my nose started running, but I was numb. The next thing I know is people looking at me in pitty, my friends rushing to arrive and spend some time with me at the hospital before I left the city to bury my mom's flesh body. Oh and I went to pathology, I saw her laying there, with injured face, cold, and stiff. I shook her, I begged her to wake up, called her eomma, ma', mami, but there was no reply, it was true, she wasn't coming back, this wasn't a sick joke.
Next morning I woke up at Romana, where she was born, the place she loved like nowhere else, the place she was free to herself. The funeral wasn't something of my taste. Watching my mom laying in a white coffin while people started to sing and mumble christian jumbo, that I knew in my heart wasn't true, was deplorable., people hugging me, looking at me to see my reaction to see me crying and perhaps calculate how much I'm in pain for the amount of tears and cries I shout, people trying to convert me to their christian bullshit with the "If you want to see her again in heaven you have to accept Christ in your heart" all the time that happened was tactless and hurtful. That's when I realized, funerals are for the family not the deceased, is egoist, is stupid but comforting, not for me of course, remember I am a weird bug. Even tho was nice hearing people talking so good about my mom, it frustrated me, because some of them never called her, never took her out of her depression. So it really keeps me thinking people are good and great just after they are dead, same with paintings, same with singers.
Is been a month, and I have been eating the same, doing the same, and almost feeling the same. Except few times during the day I think of her, and her absence echoes in my soul. I never felt her lingering in here, so that actually comforts me, I know shes getting healed and treated well in this new phase of her self being. I just wonder If she still thinks of me.
Friday, July 25, 2014
Saturday, July 19, 2014
My jam
Blue Foundation - Eyes On Fire (Zeds Dead Remix): http://youtu.be/IUGzY-ihqWc
Sunday, May 4, 2014
SHADOWY TRAILS (Part I- Introduction)
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| Original photo by Marc G.C Photography |
began.
I was the simply youngest daughter of a bakerman and a
fine dress maker and as you may know I learned
everything, for nothing.
I was turning 18 when my parents got sick, both at the
same time, what an awful picture.
The doctor told me they wouldn't last longer, I cried,
my mind was a chaos, so much I spent hours and
hours walking alone in the dark of the London streets, till
one starling night.
I met death and so met life, her name was Rosabelle, the
most exquisite creature I've ever seen, with her paused yet
fast and seductive movements, were reason enough to
make someone stare forever, was a pleasure, indeed.
She looked at me like I was her long lost innocence, she
stared for some time when finally the alley got immerse in
the most sacredness and sinfulness voice, but her lips...
I was no crazy, I heard that voice yet her lips were static,
what is happening? Am I seeing things? Is she even real?
I said Out loud And a devilish laugh started to rebound,
echoing even in my core.
I met the floor and begged it to stop, I was most definitely
terrified but didn't want to leave, I wanted to see her one
more time, by the time I looked up again I was all alone, And the loneliness was even more terrifying than that evil laugh.
By IneGray
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